


Ain't Enough

by AdorabloodthirstyKitty



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Humanstuck, M/M, Sadstuck, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-05-03 12:59:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5291792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdorabloodthirstyKitty/pseuds/AdorabloodthirstyKitty





	Ain't Enough

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Inkbird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inkbird/gifts).



You lay curled up in the covers of your oversized bed, scrolling along on your tablet til you come across a face what still makes you feel like a lovesick fool. Tavros Nitram's smiling face looks out at you from the screen, and you have to scroll away again quick to try not to start thinking about him. It doesn't work.

You've been in love with Tavros for years, since high school at least. He was always a kind, patient, sweet motherfucker with big brown eyes and a smile that made you feel proud to have made him happy. He's still one of your best of bros after all these years, after graduating and going to college. You'd grown out of the facepaint and smoking every day, had matured and cleaned up your act a little. You still won't admit that he's the main reason for it, that you always sought his approval, that you'd do anything to make him proud.

After high school you both ended up going to different colleges, you to an art school and him off to get his veterinary degree. But you kept in touch and stayed friends, going over to his apartment sometimes to chill, or him to yours. You'd play video games or watch movies, make him dinner and try not to die of happiness when he'd fall asleep curled up to you on more then one occasion.

But then one day, things changed. He called after his classes, babbling excited about meeting someone, how he'd tell you about it when he got home. You didn't correct him, feeling warmth blossom in your chest when he called your apartment home. You were so happy about that, letting your mind run a mile a minute, thinking maybe he did like you, maybe he wanted to be with you the way you did with him. Your home was his, and maybe he was finally going to say those words you'd been waiting half a decade to hear. You got up and headed to the kitchen, making him his favorite dinner while he made his way home. It still brought a smile to your face every time you thought of the word while you whipped up a pan of enchiladas, the ones he swore tasted just as good as his grandmother's. You were just pulling everything out and putting food on your plates when the door opened, cold wind blowing through before he shut it behind him. You looked up and beamed as he smiled up at you, nose red from the cold as he unbuttoned his coat and pulled the scarf off his neck.

"Hey Tav, made you somethin to warm you up," you smiled, and he grinned as you walked out with two plates piled high, filled with his favorite food.

"Oh wow, thanks Gamz! I really appreciate it," he grins, and you feel like your face might just split in half from how big you're smiling. He comes over and sits down at the little table you have near the kitchen, getting in his spot next to you and smiling as you set the food down and sit with him.

"So what was it you all wanted to be talkin about, Tav?" you asked, taking a bite while he got a bit distracted by the food, his eyes lighting up excitedly when he remembered whatever he'd been so eager to tell you.

"Oh man Gamzee, you won't believe what happened today!" he beamed, and you grinned, excited by his enthusiasm.

"I had been hurrying to class, and you know how icy some of the pavement gets up there, but I wasn't really paying attention because I was running late. So I crossed the road but I started slipping on black ice, but this girl caught me right before I fell!"

He then goes on to tell you about her, her confidence, her big grin and bark of a laugh, how she'd joked about him falling, how she'd insisted on walking him to class. And as he goes on your smile falters, and his excitement makes your stomach churn. He tells you how the girl flirted with him, gave him her number and told him she'd see him around. He was so nervous and excited, pulling the scrap of paper out and showing it to you, her name and number written in cobalt, with eight little x's on the bottom. You had to swallow back bile when you realized what the x's were for.

But then he started getting nervous, asking for advice, you couldn't bring yourself to stop him. Couldn't muster the words, or say what you'd wanted to say for years. Couldn't tell him how much you loved him, how amazing and beautiful and perfect he was. You couldn't bring yourself to do it, so instead you threw a smile on your face and acted the part of the best friend. You told him to do what he felt he should do, and he beamed at you, coming over to hug you. You didn't return it, too focused on not throwing up or crying to do anything else. He finished his food quickly and thanked you again, not noticing you hadn't eaten anything besides that first bite. He was already heading for the door, pulling his coat back on and telling you he'd tell you how it went, that he'd call her tonight. You tried to smile, and said alright, and he was gone.

And you broke down.

You fell on the couch and sobbed, so long and hard your head hurt and your eyes were sore. You cried until you didn't have any tears left, curled up around yourself on the couch.

How could you ever think he'd think of you that way? How could you fool yourself into thinking he was gonna be with you? You, his friend from high school what used to paint his face and smoke every day. The motherfucker with nothin but an arts degree and an apartment. After all this time, all these years of pining for him, and you thought you'd measure up. That Tavros, sweet, patient, kind, caring Tavros, with his big beautiful doe eyes and a smile that could light up a room, that this perfect motherfucker would ever feel anything for someone like you. You, who ain't worked a day in your life, who disappoints just about everybody in your life. The motherfucker with no job, no ambition, no life. How could you ever, for one second, think that someone like him could ever love someone like you?

You spend the night curled up on the couch, finally falling asleep around 2am with tears running down your face and a broken heart. And when you wake up, you're hit with what happened yesterday, with the memory of Tavros babbling on about his new crush, and you have to run to the bathroom to throw up.

You stay curled up on the couch, watching some shit on tv you ain't even payin attention too, trying so hard to focus on it that you got no idea what the fuck's even happening. You don't know how long you spend on the couch, staring at the screen. Your phone buzzes a few times but you don't answer, afraid that it might be Tavros wantin to tell you about the call, about the girl. Makes your stomach churn again just thinkin on it, so you ignore and stare at your tv.

Karkat bursts through your door sometime later in the day, all 'where the fuck you been' and 'been calling you' and all this, but you pay no mind. Don't even flinch at his annoyance. He stops mid-rant, seemin to realize somethin's up when you don't even look up at him, eyes still on the screen. He comes over and sits, all quiet and unsure.

"Gamzee?" he asks, soft and quiet, and your eyes water before you finally look on him. He looks scared, worried, and before you know it you've launched yourself at him, hugging him tight while you sob, trying to tell him what all happened the day before. You get snot and tears all over his shirt as you hug him around the stomach, shaking as you sob. He pets your hair and lets you talk, and shooshes you when your words get lost as you cry even harder.

He holds you until the tears run out again, and don't let go til he gets up a few hours later to make the both of you some food. You eat still curled up to him, his arm around you, and he doesn't leave your side.


End file.
